sometimes its hard to notice the changing days when your friends have all gone leaving this town after another one

At 23 years old, I can respond to sympathies as simply as i respond to birthday wishes. 

twenty-three years old.

At 23 years old, I have a “funeral section” to my wardrobe.

twenty-three years old.

At 23 years old, I have to start counting lost friends on two hands.

twenty-three years old.

At 23 years old, I have a mental soundtrack for pre-funerals.

twenty-three years old.

How old were you when you first had a friend die? How old were you when you had a second friend die? And next? And next? WHAT THE HELL.  I’M TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD! 

I’m trying so desperately not to be angry.  I’m trying SO desperately to look “on the bright side.”  Well… where is it? How many of my friends get to die before I just decide I should stop making friends? How many of my friends get to die before I get to invite them to my wedding? How many of my friends get to die before I get to tell them about my first child? 

I understand that death is a natural part of life.  BUT I’M ONLY TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD! I understand that I thought I would have my life figured out by now.  But when you throw in my severe attachment issues and my lack of faith that things will ever last,….

I would like to talk about Josh for a minute though. Before any crazy rumors and b.s. start circulating, HE WAS AMAZING.  Yes, he was his cause of death.  Yes, he had a rocky last few months.  Yes, our friendship has been quite the rocky trail.  But no, I never doubted for a minute that I could always count on him.  No, I never ever ever in a million years thought he would ever take his own life.  and if you were his friend and dont think he was ever dependable, you probably weren’t his friend.

We met because it was fathers day in Chicago, Illinois & I was aimlessly wandering Wicker Park.  Sean, Scottie, Pat, Monica, and Josh were on the rooftop of an apartment building in the intersection.  They saw my friend & i wander by several times rather unendingly and began to holler down from the roof.  Yes, holler.  Josh insisted that we stop being babies and come hangout with them.  Yeah, I know…it’s dangerous.  But if you truly think it was dangerous, you’ve never met those babes.  There is not a dangerous looking bone in their body (sorry Scottie & Pat).  

Anyways, we ended up climing several steps (& eventually a fire escape) to get to where they were.  And that day will forever be engrained in my memory as the best day of my entire life.  Wanna know why? I made 5 incredible friends out of strangers by taking a risk.  They taught me more than they will ever know.  But the worst of those lessons were to never take things for granted.  A couple very short years ago, we lost Sean.  And today, his best friend, Joshua Bouton, passed away, as well.  And tonight- The Beach Boys performed on the Grammys.

Only the people that were there that day could possibly understand what that means to me.  

I could use so much prayer right now.  Not just because I lost another good one, but because after losing as many friends as I have in the past few years, I am seriously doubting this whole “loving” people thing.  And I just don’t want to be that bitter, lonely person who had her heart broken one too many times.

I’m only twenty-three years old.